MY (NON-)FINANCIAL STATEMENT

A CHEAPSKATE AND PROUD OF IT, MATE:
Why sign up for a bunch of junk you don't need?
OR
WHY I DON'T DO CELL PHONES
OR ANY OTHER MONEY-MELTERS

By Ed Gauthier
Skinflint Scribe

Folks, in this high-tech age, I have no problem at all declaring that I don't have a cell phone - never needed one, never will. If something's so dang important that someone has to tell me all about it, they can do that in an email. If something's happening with my relatives or friends in another part of the state, there's nothing I can do about it, anyway - because I'm the only one in the bunch who lives... up here in Lompoc! And I'm sure as heck not gonna jump on the next train (I don't fly) every time somebody I know gets a hangnail.

But that's just cell phones. Let's look at all the OTHER areas where I ALSO don't waste any money. (True, a few years back I had a brief DVD addiction, but I kicked that by going to DVD Rehab and then to the DVD Half-Way House For Movie Nuts.) So here's virtually my entire personal financial picture - what I owe to the world at large. It's a Top 25 list of the main things that usually show up on most peoples' general bank account records, TRW credit reports, etc.

(And to make it even tougher on myself, the term "owed" here not only means currently owed as of this year only, but also owed in recent years - so you get a much fuller representative idea, or "trending index" as some really boring people like to call it.) Now let's just see if YOUR record matches up to this:

MR. ED'S 2009 FINANCIAL STATEMENT

Amount owed for alimony: $0.00
Amount owed for child support: $0.00
Amount owed for child care expenses: $0.00
Amount owed for marriage expenses: $0.00
Amount owed for elder care expenses: $0.00
Amount owed for travel expenses: $0.00
Amount owed for vacation expenses: $0.00
Amount owed for furniture expenses: $0.00
Amount owed for pet care expenses: $0.00
Amount owed for home mortgage loans: $0.00
Amount owed for cigarette purchases: $0.00
Amount owed for alcohol purchases: $0.00
Amount owed for magazine purchases: $0.00
Amount owed for videotape purchases: $0.00
Amount owed for car purchases: $0.00
Amount owed for car leases: $0.00
Amount owed for boat purchases: $0.00
Amount owed for boat leases: $0.00
Amount owed for plane purchases: $0.00
Amount owed for plane leases: $0.00
Amount owed for bank loans: $0.00
Amount owed for college loans: $0.00
Amount owed for personal loans: $0.00
Amount owed for any other loans: $0.00
Amount owed for any credit card: $0.00
--------------------------------------------------------
Grand Total Owed: $0.00
--------------------------------------------------------

Not too shabby, wouldn't you say? I am the MAN! Ya! Woo-hoo!

(In fact, aside from the usual rent and low utilities, so little
is paid out that a lot more wampum-wasting categories could also
be added to that list, with the same resulting "$0.00" at the end.)

Yes, it also clearly shows that I have no life, but still... woo-hoo!

Tweet